Romans 8:26

It has been ages since I last posted an update on my current situation, however, I needed some time to process everything. Leading up to my trip to Houston, I became extremely confident the doctors would give me the gift of being able to describe myself as "cancer-free". I did not have the privilege of being told those lovely words "McKendree, you are cancer-free". The ultrasound team at M.D. Anderson discovered a few suspicious spots (six specifically) in my neck area. The head of the head and neck ultrasound team seemed alarmed, but later on in the day when my mom and I met with my surgeon, he assured us the spots were nothing to worry about. He claims the spots could be a stitch not yet dissolved, or even possible swelling. After receiving mixed signals and not a solid answer, my heart needed some time to process and heal without the pressure of going on the internet and spilling out my thoughts. And also, the act of writing, results in the act of admitting something is reality. Although writing has the possibility to be liberating, in some instances it becomes a burden simply because one is not ready to face the truth. Hiding from the truth is exhausting. In the beginning it seems like a good idea, but over time, it only makes things worse.

At the end of May, I will have an ultrasound at St. Jude to measure the suspicious spots. If they have grown or multiplied, we will consult with my doctor and talk about the next step. But, if the spots have disappeared or gotten smaller, we will continue to monitor them, with a relieved heart.

Currently, Luis is in ICU, with what the doctors believe to be pneumonia. He has been in isolation since Thursday and the doctors plan on running tests Tuesday to monitor the progress of his healing. Please keep Luis in your prayers. Pray for his emotional and physical health. He is in a lot of pain and has been experiencing difficulty breathing. The doctors have prescribed morphine to help ease the pain, but Luis still remains uncomfortable.

The combination of my health and Luis' has worn down on my soul. Personally I have been struggling with finding the words to pray, specifically the "right words" to pray. I met with my friend Tracey at the beginning of the week to try to make sense of everything. She shared some beautiful words, and I wanted to pass them along because they have been the hope I am clinging to. For starters, she assured me that I do not need to exhaust myself in trying to "pray the right words". If God needs us to pray a specific and correct way, then what Jesus did for us on the cross is not enough. God craves our hearts, not our "perfectly thankful" prayers. He does not want us to pretend like we are completely fine, but wants us to confide in him with our honest and raw thoughts. And secondly, she shared Romans 8:36, a verse that I have skimmed over in my Bible but I had not given it the attention deserved. "In the same way the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us, with groans that words cannot express". Wow, so much truth; truth I had been longing for, but didn't know where to look. How cool is it that the Spirit living inside of my heart, is constantly praying for me, and even better, praying for things I am unable to express because they are too great for my mind to comprehend. So encouraging. It is much easier said than done, but we must accept our brokenness because it is what keeps drawing us back to our Savior.